In the Wake: ‘I don’t know what to say’ to grief-stricken people

Grief doesn’t follow a schedule, and it certainly comes without a roadmap

Drew Scott and Carole Trottere know that better than most. Scott, a veteran broadcast journalist and current Brookhaven Town spokesperson, lost his granddaughter to a fentanyl laced overdose. Trottere, a longtime public relations professional and writer, similarly lost her son to fentanyl poisoning.

In the years since, both have channeled their grief into something purposeful — learning to recognize loss in others, and to sit with them in it. Now, in an occasional column for Greater Long Island, they’ll answer your questions about navigating grief. Their column is below:

Death. Wakes. Funerals. Grief-stricken people — nobody knows what to say. We don’t know how to act around these “sad people.”

Grieving people make most of us very uncomfortable. Often, that discomfort is dealt with by saying nothing, avoiding the grieving person, or never talking about the loss at all.

We are here to help you — the uncomfortable person. We are some of those “sad people” you try to avoid. We’re here to give you insider information: how to do and say something comforting, rather than nothing. Because eventually, everyone experiences grief and loss. Welcome to the human race.

Question: My friend recently suffered the loss of her child from an overdose. I figure it’s best to not talk about it. I sent a card. I don’t know what else to do. How long will it take her to move on? — Anonymous

DREW: Dear Anonymous, if you’re truly a “friend,” they need you now more than ever. Remember this loss has created a void that will never be filled. When I suffered a similar loss, I was warned ‘You’ll get through this, but you’ll never get over it.’ 

The best medicine for this now is LISTENING, that’s right, not talking, just lots of hugging and crying along with your friend. Don’t advise, criticize or pin blame on anyone or anything. Overdose and fentanyl poisoning is accidental and most likely unintentional. One pill (out of curiosity or peer pressure at a party) we have learned unfortunately “can kill,” and it’s happened in thousands of cases of young people and older adults over the last year across the country. 

CAROLE: Dear Anonymous. I’ll address your last statement first. Never. That’s how long it will take her to move on. A parent doesn’t ever recover or move on from the loss of a child. Your friend’s life is changed forever. The person she was, is now gone and she will hopefully be able to find new purpose in her life to help channel her pain. I know this is hard to hear. But we really do not “survive” such a loss. We keep on breathing and yes, we will laugh again. But we will be different.

Your assumption to not talk about the loss or the deceased is probably easier for you, but it’s the exact opposite of what your friend needs. Don’t force her to talk about it, but bringing up the name of her child, maybe with a nice memory, will be comforting to her.

It’s lovely that you sent a sympathy card. But you might want to think about sending a card three months from now, six months from now, letting her know that you are still thinking about her. Grief doesn’t have an expiration date. Birthdays and anniversary days will be important to her.

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