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By Drew Scott and Carole Trottere
CAROLE: I still vividly remember my first grief trigger. It hit about a week after my son Alex died. I had to go to Trader Joe’s, and when I passed Alex’s favorite cereal, I literally burst out crying like a lunatic. I had to leave.
You know how they ask you, “Did you find everything you need today?”
No, I didn’t. Where is Alex?
I also have to pass the funeral home where his wake was held. I seem to pass it a lot. So, I block one eye so I don’t have to look at it, which is of course, ridiculous. But grieving people do crazy things.
There are some grief triggers you know are coming, and you can prepare for them. But others catch you completely off guard and knock the breath out of you.
I think those moments show just how deeply our loss lives within us. It’s not a conscious reaction. It’s instinctual … like every cell in your body is remembering for you.
I was in New York once and saw a young man in a hoodie sauntering down the street, moving just like my son used to. The same gait. The same unhurried way about him. It made my knees buckle. I had to sit down and cry.
They remind me of just how deeply we were connected in life and how, in some ways, we still are.
Unexpected triggers
DREW: Grief comes in waves and at unexpected times. I was getting dressed recently and looking down in the closet for shoes, I saw my late wife’s slippers.
Therapists call this experience “Triggers.” When you least expect it, an overwhelming sense of loss comes back as powerful as day one.
For some, it would be one of their favorite songs, an old photograph or video, their possessions left behind. Even the lyrics of a popular song describes triggers:
“I was doing okay this morning,
Rhy Elliott
I was holding steady somehow,
Then your memory crossed my mind,
And I could not breathe like before,
That is the hardest part of losing,
It never fully goes away,
You just learn to live between it,
When it comes in waves.”
The only way to deal with triggers is let the emotion happen instead of fighting it. Suppressing the reaction only makes the grief stronger.
Allow yourself to feel the sadness, even if it’s uncomfortable. The trigger will soon pass as you keep going. Tell yourself, this is a wave, it hurts because I loved them.
Don’t let people tell you “Get over it.” Grief doesn’t follow a schedule. Remember that triggers are a sign of love not of weakness.
About the writers
Carole Trottere is an advocate for addressing the fentanyl/opioid crisis. Her son Alex died in 2018 of a fentanyl poisoning. She has been published in Newsday, Psychology Today and other regional publications. She is currently the media director for The Jazz Loft in Stony Brook. Carole lives in Old Field.
Drew Scott is a 50-year broadcast journalist who lost his twin granddaughter Hallie Rae Ulrich that he and his late wife raised, to a heroin/fentanyl laced overdose in 2017. Drew helped found and operate Opioid Task Forces in several Long Island towns. He currently works as communications director for the Town of Brookhaven.
Top: Photo by Franki Chamaki.
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