Column: Why getting ‘ghosted’ by a friend can be much more painful

by Celia Iannelli

While cleaning out my bookshelves, I came across a book that gave me pause. A friend, from another place in time, gave it to me as a gift.

While leafing through the book, I noticed an inscription inside the front cover. It read, in part: “You have made such a difference in my life, so glad we found each other. Here’s to our forever friendship.”

By the time I finished reading her words, tears had welled up in my eyes and were splashing onto the page.

We were best friends and soulmates. We shared our worries and secrets, as well as the fun stuff of life. Many years have passed without a call, email or text. I don’t know exactly what happened, except that it happened.

Why do some friendships last a lifetime while others fizzle out fast? Why do some friends mysteriously disappear from us, sometimes without warning or explanation?

It’s much easier to say a romance is dead, don’t you think?

At least we have a story line to fall back on:  Someone was unfaithful, the connection was lost, family issues caused an irrevocable split, or life pulled us in different directions. 

With romantic breakups, we go through a mourning period. We listen to sad songs, write blogs, and wallow in self-pity. Like Humpty Dumpty we had a great fall and our broken pieces are visible.

When friendships fizzle and die, most times there is no defining moment. And it’s tougher to lean on others. We tell ourselves that everything is fine, only it’s not.

We tell ourselves that we are both busy; but, how long does it take to send a text? 

Yet, those are the friends who have filled the seats at our holiday table. We drank more than a few beers together at Citi Field. They helped us navigate some very difficult times.

We didn’t see it coming; or maybe we did.  The end of a friendship heralds the silent years where we simply fall out of touch.

But one-sided endings are especially painful. One party has lost interest or is invested elsewhere.  Feelings of guilt or betrayal are prominent. It never feels good for either.

Distance hits friendships in a significant way. Video chatting is not equal to sharing a cup of coffee or knocking down a few beers at the pub. As humans, we are naturally drawn to face-to-face contact.

Maybe we outgrew each other? Being best buddies in college doesn’t necessarily translate to being best buddies forever. Life choices may cause us to walk different paths. With little common ground, the friendship fades away.

The entry of a significant other can turn up the heat in our love life; and turn down the heat on a friendship. Once our buddies occupied most of our time; now, priorities are shifted.

Why friendships fizzle-out is a million-dollar question. But one thing is for sure: Losing a friend is painful.

We thought we would be there for each other, come hell or high water. We told them things we would never tell anyone else. We pride ourselves in being truthful, yet there is a larger unspoken truth:

Holding on to the friendship feels like we are drowning.

We couldn’t imagine life without those friends who became important to us — until the friendship dies.

Most of us have gagged on the bitter pill of a lost friendship — and we should mourn that loss. 

It is an illusion to believe that friendships last forever or must always be harmonious,  kind and loving. Like romantic relationships, friendships come with scrapes, little wounds and big gaping holes — and some holes cannot be filled.

There is a popular little verse whose first lines hold a great deal of truth. “People come into your life for a reason, season or a lifetime.”

Throughout our journey through life, we may lose friends who were once an integral and intimate part of our lives. However, they always leave behind an indelible mark. No matter how badly they might have “ghosted” us.

Out of sight out of mind? Maybe. Funny though, I kept the book.

Celia Iannelli is a news columnist who lives in Suffolk County and writes from her sometimes off-kilter perspective. She’s a people person who finds humor in everyday, mundane situations — yet knows about the heartbreaking curve balls that life can hurl. You can email her at [email protected].

More from Celia:

https://bayshore.greaterlongisland.com/2018/05/21/42344-finding-yourself-alone-after-a-death-or-divorce-read-this/

https://portjefferson.greaterlongisland.com/2018/04/14/6614-column-why-grandparents-seem-to-have-it-all-figured-out-with-kids/