Grief column: What to expect when you seek bereavement counseling

By Carole Trottere and Drew Scott

A friend who lost her son last year to substance use is struggling with her grief and was wondering if grief counseling would help her.

In the very early stages of grief, you may not feel like talking to anyone, especially a stranger. You are numb. It’s all you can do to carry out the normal responsibilities of living and working.

In those days, I became best friends with a website called “What’s Your Grief” (whatsyourgrief.com). They also offer a podcast. This was and is an incredible resource, and I found it extremely helpful.

There may come a point when you want to seek out some “expert” advice and help. Try to find a counselor who specializes in grief.

Even though I am fortunate to have good health insurance, I found many therapists didn’t accept it, and I still had to pay out of pocket. The one-on-one sessions allowed me to just fall apart for an hour every two weeks and have the ear of someone who really understood.

After about a year, I felt I was ready for a support group that was especially focused on families who have lost someone to a substance use issue. The one I found is called G.R.A.S.P. and has several groups on Long Island.

There is nothing more comfortable and comforting than being with other parents who share the same pain.

Support groups may seem intimidating at first, but that means you are just not ready. Maybe it will never be your thing, and that’s okay. But keeping grief buried deep is not healing.

Find something or someone that feels like a safe space to grieve. Maybe it’s listening to Anderson Cooper speak to other people about their grief on the “All There Is” podcast while safe in your car.

It may seem odd to point this out, but there has never been a better time to be grieving. The media, authors, podcasters, TV shows and even late-night show hosts are all talking about it.

It’s like this country discovered that people die. But regardless of why we are talking more about it, it’s a good thing we are, because it affects each and every human being at one time or another.

So try to take some solace in the fact that you live in a time when it’s okay to talk about loss. You are not alone.

For a list of some helpful resources, please email Carole at [email protected]

Practical barriers also play a role. Traveling to appointments, keeping fixed schedules and mustering the energy to show up can be difficult during acute grief, when motivation and daily functioning are often disrupted.

The emotional intensity of sitting face-to-face with a therapist can be overwhelming for some people. The immediacy of the physical setting may make it harder to open up or regulate emotions, especially early in the grieving process when feelings are raw and unpredictable.

Some therapists push for progress too quickly, while others avoid structure altogether. Because grief doesn’t follow a linear path, either extreme can leave clients feeling misunderstood, pressured or stuck.

There is also the possibility of unintentional minimization. Even skilled therapists sometimes normalize grief in ways that make clients feel unseen, such as emphasizing that what they’re experiencing is “typical” when the client needs more empathy and presence.

About the writers

Carole Trottere is an advocate for addressing the fentanyl/opioid crisis. Her son Alex died in 2018 of a fentanyl poisoning. She has been published in Newsday, Psychology Today and other regional publications. She is currently the media director for The Jazz Loft in Stony Brook. Carole lives in Old Field.

Drew Scott is a 50-year broadcast journalist who lost his twin granddaughter Hallie Rae Ulrich that he and his late wife raised, to a heroin/fentanyl laced overdose in 2017. Drew helped found and operate Opioid Task Forces in several Long Island towns. He currently works as communications director for the Town of Brookhaven.

_{Top: Photo by Vitaly Gariev.}